what to do if your daughter wont wear a bra
My Teen and I Are in a Standoff Over This Totally Basic Consequence
Intendance and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have a question for Intendance and Feeding? Submit it here or mail service it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group .
Dearest Intendance and Feeding,
My xiv-twelvemonth-old girl, "Elizabeth," has decided that she no longer wants to clothing a bra. Apparently she read online that bras are oppressive and anti-feminist; she says she no longer wants to buy into what she sees as a patriarchal article of clothing norm. I understand where she's coming from—I'm a feminist, for God'due south sake—but she's also a teenage girl. Girls her historic period are already sexualized then much. I don't want boys and men to objectify her because they tin encounter her breasts through her shirt. I've suggested a compromise—perhaps she could wear a bralette, camisole, or layered clothing—only she won't budge. When I fabricated the error of telling her I was concerned virtually guys staring at her breasts, she accused me of victim-blaming and slut-shaming. She'southward a stubborn child, and at this point I worry that I might non be able to change her listen. It'south non as if I tin physically strength her to wear a bra. Merely the thought of her going braless is seriously icky to me. Is at that place whatsoever way that I might exist able to persuade her? Is this one of those situations where I should just let her figure it out for herself?
—Braless Wonder
Dear BW,
I'thousand sorry to tell you that it doesn't matter if information technology'due south icky to you. While y'all're right about i thing—boys and men should not be objectifying her by reducing her to her body parts—the solution to that problem is not persuading her to wear a bra, "bralette," cami, or multiple layers of wearable. If she doesn't desire to wear a bra, she doesn't have to. This is non one of those situations where you "should only allow her figure it out for herself." It'southward one of those situations that is genuinely her business organisation, not yours. (In that location will exist many other such situations—they are right around the corner—so you might besides kickoff getting used to it.)
Slate Plus Members Go More Advice From Michelle Each Week
From this week'due south letter, " I Cannot Stand up the Weird Way My Hubby Talks to Our Kid ":"I tin't help wondering how long this will continue."
Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently I learned that my cousin, who lives on some other continent and is in their early teens, is queer. My cousin lives in a pretty liberal environment overall, but queer identities are not more often than not accustomed past our families "back home." My cousin and I aren't actually in affect, though we've met several times and our parents speak to each other ofttimes. Manifestly my cousin is out to my parent'southward sibling simply not to their other parent. I'm bi and my sibling is queer as well, and while we're both out to our parents, we're not out to the extended family, so my cousin has no idea they have queer family members they could reach out to for support. When I asked if I could contact my cousin, my parent said absolutely not—their own relationship with their parents and siblings is besides tentative and fragile. Of course I don't desire to disrupt that or boldness their agency and correct to privacy. At the aforementioned time, I experience an obligation to my cousin to tell them they're not lonely, and that, as someone who has been out for x-plus years already, I am happy and all is well. Should I wait till they're a bit older to talk to them? Or exercise they especially need this support now?
—They Is for Anonymity
Love TIfA,
I am sympathetic to and supportive of your desire to accomplish out to your faraway cousin and offer your back up, and I hope you will be able to practise that earlier too long. But if your cousin has told only one of their parents, and that one parent has told only one sibling—your parent—with whom a delicate, tentative relationship exists, and your parent and so told you, in confidence, what their sibling revealed, I don't recall it would be ethical for you to contact your cousin to say, "You are non alone. I'm queer likewise." Not right now, anyway. This whole winding game of telephone is too fraught and y'all don't know enough (you don't know anything) about your cousin's situation.
I do have ii suggestions. One is that you drop a line to your cousin that is zero just a friendly hello—a reintroduction to them, equally it were—with the invitation to go on in impact (you can be pen pals!). The other is that you let your parent know that you are doing this, and that you have another conversation—perhaps this fourth dimension with both your parents, and (for good measure out) with your sibling in on information technology as well—talking frankly nigh why yous believe your support may be helpful to your cousin, merely at the same time also assuring your anxious parent that you lot will non betray their trust. If you establish a solid long-distance relationship with your younger cousin—if the two of y'all truly become friends—they may eventually feel gear up to come up out to you themself. That's when you tin can exist of real assist to them.
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Dear Intendance and Feeding,
I demand advice on how to deal with what may seem a minor problem, just it is driving me derailed. As I become older (I'yard almost to turn 40), my mom is increasingly obsessed over the fact that I'm single and don't accept children. She will never say it outright, but instead constantly questions me near everyone else'southward relationship status, and also presses for details about my social life in a way that makes articulate what'due south on her mind. Hither are some examples of our conversations (which, I promise, are not exaggerated): 1) "How'due south your new co-worker?" "Nosotros're working well together." "That'south skilful—is she married? Does she accept kids?" "Why does that matter?" "I'thousand just curious!" 2) "What did you exercise this weekend?" "Went to Amy's birthday political party. Think Amy? You met her a few weeks ago." "Who threw the party, her husband?" (I never mentioned whether or not Amy was married.) iii) "What are you doing tonight?" "Going to Kayla's firm." "Is she having a party?" "No." "So what are you going to do over in that location?" "Order nutrient for dinner. Talk, take hold of up." "But isn't she married?" "Yes." "Then you're just going to sit in that location with her and her married man?" I could go on, but you get the gist. This happens every time we talk.
She also feels the need to tell me whenever someone gets married or has a child, even if I don't know the person. I'k finding information technology harder and harder to want to talk to her. And I experience terrible about that, because she is truly otherwise a great mom. She'south ever shown me love and support, and I know she would do anything for me. She doesn't even pester me to phone call her more often; she doesn't call me all the time. And if I don't call her for a calendar week or two, she doesn't say, "Why haven't you chosen?" Only I know that it hurts her if we don't talk, as we used to talk a lot more. I've tried telling her how much it bothers me when she comes at me in the subtle ways she does, but she says I'm existence too sensitive, that she's only asking questions to make chat. I know that I'one thousand lucky to have her as a mom, especially afterwards reading a lot of the questions submitted to this column nigh horrible parents, so part of me feels similar I just demand to swallow my irritation. Just every time I try, it bubbles right back upwardly, and I want to end the conversation immediately; and so I discover myself dreading the next conversation. Please say you have some communication!
—Spinster Daughter
Dear SD,
Hither's a thought experiment: What if she is asking questions only to make conversation? What if she can't think of anything else to talk to y'all about? Does that make you feel whatever better?
Look, I'm non saying that she doesn't wish y'all were married. For all I know, she wants that more than annihilation in the globe (except maybe a grandchild). What I'g suggesting is that you lot take her at her word and take accuse of making conversation yourself. That is, steer information technology in the direction you want it to go. Since you've provided examples of the kinds of exchanges that madden yous, how almost steering articulate of them? And if y'all can't steer clear—if the only thing she tin can call back of to ask you about a new co-worker you mentioned the terminal fourth dimension you talked is whether she'southward married or non—then redirect her. Instead of asking her why that matters, why non say, "I have no idea. Hey, did I tell you about … " so tell her about something that happened at work, or anything else y'all experience like talking about? If she asks whether your friend's husband threw her birthday party (and the answer to that is aye), say, "Yep, he did! It was so much fun/so not fun"—and then tell her about the party. If the answer is no, considering Amy doesn't accept a married man, get ahead and say, "What hubby? No, she threw information technology herself"—and then tell her about the political party. In other words, jump that track and onto a rail yous lay yourself.
I can't tell you whether your mother is "obsessed" with your single and kid-free status or if this is simply her frame of reference—the filter through which she views all of the globe—but the fashion to avert getting caught up in exchanges that drive you batty is to shift to ones that don't. (And have gear up some good ways to change the subject quickly, since you know she'll make these comments—Goggle box shows yous're watching, books you're reading.) If y'all didn't value your relationship with her as much as y'all do—if you hadn't been in the habit of talking more than often, and longer, before; if you hadn't mentioned how lucky you feel to have a supportive and loving parent—I might offering different advice. But it sounds like yous love your mom. And then why not see what you tin do to make it possible to enjoy talking to her once again (or at least not to hate and dread it)?
I do feel I must say something else before I close, OK? While I empathize with your frustration, I tin besides say with considerable certainty that when something gets a person'due south caprine animal as much equally this does, it'south because it's clanging a bell that's already (maybe silently) chiming within that person. When someone constantly brings up something that is of no consequence to usa, it's mildly irritating—boring, perhaps; annoying, fifty-fifty—but not infuriating (certainly not infuriating enough to make usa want to avoid someone we dearly love). Simply a topic that is painful or a source of sorrow to us will brand us miserable. Maybe yous already know this—perhaps you thought information technology was just besides obvious to mention. But if yous are unhappy most not existence married, and doing your level best not to dwell on it, the problem is not your mother.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Two of my closest friends—I was friends with both of them before they were a couple—are married and have a toddler. Their daughter is their first kid, and although I am not a parent, I grew up with several younger siblings and thus have experience with children. Since she was born, I've been happy to come over and help them out with her while communicable up with them. Long story brusk: I've begun dreading my visits considering I and then dislike the way they're spoiling her as she has become able to ask for things and do things more than independently. She'll tear a room apart while they watch and say, "I wish she wouldn't do that." They never say no to her, and if she does something wrong or gets concur of something she shouldn't, they offer her a treat or some other incentive to leave it alone. Even when she really misbehaves and they say they know there should be some consequences, they never enact whatsoever because—they admit—they'd experience bad punishing her. If they have her to a store, they purchase her anything she wants, no matter what it costs. She is on no sort of a sleep schedule because they don't desire to "make" her take a nap.
God, I'thou reading this message and even I realize how bitter I sound. I know that parenting is much easier to critique than to do. Just some of the parenting no-nos they commit feel like really low-hanging fruit. I don't call back it'due south unreasonable to think they should exist setting some boundaries with her. I should also note that both of them are youngest children and that both grew upwardly with a lot of coin; I am the eldest child in my family and grew upwards in poverty. So there are definitely inherent class and other differences in our upbringings that are showing themselves in this scenario.
I recognize that information technology's fundamentally not my business to dictate how they should or should not raise their child. All the same, it's get difficult to observe. I love them and cherish my friendship with them, simply I am full of resentment toward them after spending an evening at their place lately. I don't want to injure them! Is there a polite manner to say, "I dear yous both but I need to have a step back from spending time with you considering watching you turn your child into Veruca Salt is killing me"? At this bespeak, I'g with them often enough that a step back without caption would be noticeable, and socializing with them without their kid is a nonstarter for them—they don't leave her with babysitters.
—Critical and Childless
Dear Critical,
Alas, there is no polite manner to explicate that the reason y'all are taking a step back from your friendship with this couple is that yous're horrified by their parenting. If it'due south possible to socialize with them one-on-one without their child around (one-on-one so that they don't have to—gasp!—go a sitter), talk nigh anything except their parenting (and if that's what, or all, they desire to talk nigh, mind without annotate). If this idea doesn't appeal to you—or them—I see three possible choices: 1) grinning and carry it (which it'due south clear yous practise non want to practice); 2) tell them the truth; or 3) quietly recede from their lives in the least hurtful, least dramatic mode you can. It should be obvious that I vote for No. 3. If you tin get abroad with existence busy or tired every time you are invited over, go for it. They volition either get the hint somewhen and stop asking, or they'll come out and ask you lot what'due south wrong—and if the latter occurs, I would notwithstanding stay abroad from a parenting critique, since no adept tin come of that. You already know, I call up, that there is nothing you tin do nearly the way they are (or aren't) rearing their daughter—that nothing y'all might say would be news to them and thus bring about a miraculous alter in their arroyo/beliefs.
I am all for honesty, merely when complete honesty tin can serve no purpose except to cause boosted pain, I would suggest something along the lines of "This friendship has turned out to be too much for me, I'grand sorry." That's about every bit straight as I'd get in this minefield of a state of affairs.
I hear you lot insisting how much you dear them and wish you could go on beingness their friend, but I as well get the sense that you disapprove and then profoundly of what'southward going on here I don't really run across a path to that. Sadly, sometimes over the class of a long friendship, we learn something most a friend, hitherto unrevealed, that we notice truly unbearable—something that appalls us and most which we tin do naught. When that happens, I believe it is fourth dimension to end the friendship.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
My hubby and I are parents to an amazing 20-month-old boy. Before I became pregnant, my husband and I went out weekly with co-workers after piece of work. My husband still attends these and ends up getting sloshed. I love staying habitation, and I'm over these become-togethers, just my hubby insists I need to get out more and should come along. What should I do?
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Source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/11/daughter-refuses-wear-bras-parenting-advice.html
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